Our Story

Toska (noun / toe - skah): A dull ache of the soul, a sick pining, a spiritual anguish. Derived from Russian, the word roughly translates to sadness or lugubriousness. Yet, "No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great regretfulness, often without any specific cause." To me, this word is the word I've been searching my whole life to find. It reminds of the word nostalgia but not completely. It's like that empty feeling you feel when you are reminded of those memories that you don't have the words to describe. You don't know the words to describe that sensation, you feel everything, you feel nothing, but you know that it will always be there, even if it has not been spoken into existence. Sometimes, it feels like a dream that never ends, or it takes shape in the setting sun, you searching for something you will never find. In a sense, this project conveys that transient feeling of toska by celebrating mixed and multi-racial people. Although technically I am not bi-racial, I am half Korean and half Japanese-American. My father is first generation, throughout his childhood, he lived 2 lives, one in Korea and one in America. My mother is 7th generation Japanese- American, her parents grew up in Hawaii during WWII where their only salvation from the internment camps was their labor in the plantations. Growing up, I was always confused, was I Korean, was I Japanese, was I American? I was always looking for answers, but I could never explain what I was looking for or why. I was unknowingly chasing toska. Throughout this project, you will find images of all shapes and sizes and colors, many of which are layered using Photoshop. This method was used because of its versatility and visual weight, but was mainly used to show: a passage of time, a dream-like state, and a blending of people, ideas, cultures, and environments. In addition, to add to the theme of a mixed identity, I chose to not show the entire subject in a few photos to contribute to the idea of having 2 or more different identities in one entity. The feeling of toska is infinite and therefore has infinite meanings and infinite expressions. At some times it feels dull and slow-moving and you can only see a few specks lighting up the world of darkness that engulfs you. Even still, it can feel wistful and sweet as if time stopped in between the transition from the end of school to the beginning of summer. Toska, is a collection of your deepest emotions that manifests in the most tender fragment of your soul.